Take 2.2?

Turns out, I was ready to run again, but my leg wasn't. It didn't get to the point where I was limping just from walking again, but like 4 days into my supposedly victorious return and I was achey even at rest.  :( 

I am struggling so much right now with trying to get back on track.  My weight has continued to crawl back up (thankfully not horribly fast, and I am still down quite a lot).  I am back doing Weight Watchers, despite my disliking of the program in general because I just cannot trust myself to be aware of what I am eating without being accountable to someone or something. I have been back on technically for 2 months, but I have not been tracking very much because I keep eating out and it is so hard to track.  Then I think very unhelpful thoughts like, "If I can't track it, I might as well eat whatever I want." 

I still want this year to be about health and well-being. I haven't given up. I am just struggling.  

I am so impatient when it comes to running. I love the feeling that I get from running. I'm more energized, I'm proud of myself, I'm happy and relaxed.  I want that. Everyday. I can't figure out how to know if I am physically ready.  I hope hope hope that I can get that feeling back.    

Nice and Easy

I was back in the gym today and took it nice and easy again.  I ran for about 17 minutes and took one 3 minute walking break.  I walked a ton afterwards to get a little better workout. I wanted to run more soooo badly, but I reminded myself that I am taking it slow now so that I can keep running injury free.  It feels so good to be back in the gym!

I also did another 5 minutes on the stair stepper, and it killed. My thighs were angry jelly when I was done.  I nearly collapsed when I got off. After only 5 minutes. Holy smokes. My goal is to get up to 10 minutes by the end of the month.  This may seem like a small goal, but it is no easy task for me.  Last year I climbed Sleeping Bear Dunes and I was exhausted 1/4 of the way up the first of many dunes.  Maybe I will go back this summer so I can look like badass racing up the dunes ;)

Starting Over

I went to the gym this morning and ran for the first time since December 2nd.  I walked for about 15 minutes and then ran a mile.  Then I walked for 5 more minutes on the treadmill, followed by 5 minutes on the stairclimber. The stairclimber kicked my butt. Just 5 minutes on the stairclimber made me huff and puff more than running 5K.  Holy smokes.

Shockingly, I am not nearly as out of shape as I anticipated.  I ran a mile without any breathing problems.  I felt some pain in my shin, but not much at all.  The woman at Running Fit who sold me my new shoes suggested that I move my inserts to my shoes (Superfeet: Berry), since I hadn't worn them for very long. I think that they are actually causing me to land funny, so when I go back tomorrow (!!) I will run without them and see how that goes.

I wore my RoadId because it has a "13.1" badge and I thought it might remind me how far I came last year and how important it is to me to keep at it.  But, thankfully, it also reminded me that I want to run a marathon and that overdoing it today could jeopardize that.  I also tried telling myself, "I am a runner."  I didn't believe it, but I will someday.

I probably shouldn't have run a full mile because I am feeling very very slightly sore in the trouble spot on my shin, but it isn't bad at all and I will ice and elevate it and run less tomorrow.  I'll use the stair stepper for a few minutes instead and hope that I don't collapse when I am done. I wish I had a doctor telling me what I should be doing....

Take 2

I fell off the face of the Earth for a few months, but I am alive and well and ready to resume blogging about my very exciting life. 

I actually ended up running the half marathon in 2:11:49. I was very proud, please, sore, excited, and felt ready to try for a marathon. I made a mistake though; I stopped running for a few weeks to, "Recover." I should have taken a few days and then taken it easy for a while.  But I stopped.  And then I pushed myself too hard when I started running regularly again.  I signed up for a few races for the fall and I ran them, but slowly.  My times decreased with each race.  

By the 3rd week of November, I was hurting from just standing on my leg. I swore that I had a bone fracture. I went to the ER and the doctor assured me that it was just shin splints.  Apparently, "Just shin splints," hurt like hell. They told me to, "Take it easy," and ice it, but didn't provide any clarification about what, "Easy," means.  I decided that it meant that I shouldn't run for about a week.  The next week, when I started running again (barely), the pain got much much worse and it hurt to walk.  Still, I have had no guidance from a doctor about exactly what I should be doing to recover. I decided to rely on the advice I found online from other runners who have had similar injuries, which was not to run until there has been no pain for at least a week.  That week ends today.  

Not running sucks. Seriously, truly sucks.  It is much more difficult for me to care about what I put in my body when I am not fueling myself for a run.  My stress tolerance is practically non-existant. I have less energy.  I wish I had a better word to describe this feeling than, "Sucks," but it's the best that I've got.  

I AM GOING TO RUN TOMORROW!!! I bought new running shoes and this time they recommended shoes with more arch support.  I even got a gym membership so that I am not taking the risk of running on icy sidewalks right now. I am so very ready to run again. Emotionally at least. But I am nervous that I am not physically ready.  I plan to take it easy...like only running a quarter mile at a time until I am sure I am not aching easy...but I do not want to injure myself again.  Now that I have running, the idea of not having running is thoroughly depressing.  

As I've mentioned before, running was something that I always said I could never do.  I didn't think I could run 1/8 mile.  Then I did it.  And then I ran a freaking half marathon! And I want to run a full marathon at some point in the next 2 years.  But the past few months has made me wonder whether I was right from the beginning. Maybe running isn't right for me.  

However, in the fall, I also spent about a month following the Turbo Fire program.  Turbo Fire involves a lot of jumping and slamming and hopping and whatnot.  So it is possible that Turbo Fire was the problem and not the running.  At least that is was I am trying to tell myself. 

I gained back about 10-12lbs in the past 2 months. I was less than 10lbs from a healthy BMI.  I am now more than 20lbs away.  The holiday parties didn't help, but the lack of exercise was a huge problem.  I didn't care what I put into my body because it didn't matter if it made me lethargic or heavier.  My migraines and tension headaches, which were down to about 1-3x/month came back.  In the past few weeks, I have had a migraine almost every day. This is due to increased stress (work, personal life, etc...).  But decreased exercise and binge eating did not help the cause. 

So this is my recommitment. I'm making a promise to myself.  Not a promise to obsess over my weight and only eat health food for the rest of my life.  Not a promise to hate myself every time I eat cake.  A promise to try to make better choices and to think of my health and my future.  A promise to treat myself and my body with respect.  A promise to occasionally eat pure sugary goodness and not tell myself that I, "Might as well start eating crappy because I have already failed." A promise that even if I cannot run, I will find a way to exercise and take care of myself. 

Yes, I am doing this because I want to be skinnier and I will still be tracking my weight. But this is about more than just my weight. It's about my sense of pride, my stress management, my health, and the sense of joy I get when I finish a run. 

I started this blog with a post about the fact that I did not view myself as a runner. I am choosing to change that perspective.  When I get back on the treadmill tomorrow and I struggle to run again, I am going to remind myself that I ran a half marathon. I ran more than 10 races this year.  I am going to repeat, "I am a runner. I am a runner," in my head until my mind believes me. And then, I am going to repeat it until my body believes me.